Advice to the Single Newbie Submissive

BDSM, Newbie, sub frenzy, Submissive -

Advice to the Single Newbie Submissive

I usually do a topic of the day and try and teach a term, or fetish that has to do with BDSM. It's something I enjoy doing which is educating people on the lifestyle we all love. Many of you are just curious and come here for the pictures we post, or to catch a glimpse of something taboo, that is different from the average vanilla relationship. Then there are those of you who have greedily read books to take the fantasy of it a little further. Maybe you read 50 shades, maybe you didn't. Either way, we all have a reason that just hit us over the head, and made us realize that we are submissive.

Realizing you are submissive is a defining moment in your journey. It's the next steps you take that will make or break you. I mean that literally. If you look at the picture I attached for today's topic, you will see what looks like everything you might fantasize about BDSM. There is anticipation and bondage, a little sexy lingerie thrown in. The ambiance of the scene looks very stimulating. Like everything you may want when you find yourself a Dominant.

Now here's the reality. BDSM is not pretty, it can be very brutal to those that haven't ever experienced it before. It doesn't really look like the picture below. Real BDSM scenes are not airbrushed. They are dirty, sweaty, messy, and can look horrific. If I had a dollar for every newbie submissive that has come to me to ask questions, only to find out the Dom they are talking to from a fetish website is not a good example of a Dominant, I would be able to run this page full time and not have to work anymore. This is seriously a troubling issue. (Maybe that's a bit extreme, but I could take a vacation with the money. )

A lot of people, women especially, decide immediately after discovering they are submissive that they need to hurry up and find a Dominant to make their fantasies a reality. There is a term we use in this lifestyle called, "sub frenzy", and this is one of the symptoms of it. If you fall prey to sub frenzy, that is not a good thing. Note, that it's not just a term for newbies, experienced submissives fall prey to it too.

Finding a Dominant without arming yourself to the gills with information about how to navigate this lifestyle effectively and safely, is a HUGE mistake. Now there is always going to be one person out there that gets lucky and finds the Dominant of their dreams on the first try. The odds of that happening though are pretty slim. If it happened to you, that's awesome! However, for the rest of the submissives that are looking or thinking about it. I want to point out some things, that have happened to people I have talked to throughout my years helping people in this lifestyle.

So you find a fetish site on the internet, you feel like you are on top of the world. There is like a whole buffet of Dominants looking for a submissive to collar, and you cannot wait to sink your teeth into one of them. (For some of you literally, ) Well maybe you are shy, and not quite sure how to approach somebody, so you start looking around. Maybe you comment on some posts in the groups, maybe you just start joining groups. Some of you will go so far as to introduce yourself. "Hi I am lili, I'm new to the lifestyle, never done this before, how do I go about finding a Dominant?"

Now here comes the fun part. All of a sudden you get a message from a real living and breathing Dominant, your excitement over this is through the roof. You have a conversation with this person, and you are so eager to get to the good stuff, you start telling this person how you are inexperienced, and you need some help, because you don't know what you are doing. Here's where it gets tricky. A real Dominant will talk you away from the sexual kinks, and try and get to know the real you. Ask you about your hobbies and interests, typical stuff you would ask someone in a vanilla setting if you just met them. The kind of dominant you have to watch out for is the one that offers to train you. They might demand that you honor them by using a title, like Sir or Master. This is a HUGE red flag. Maybe they want to assign you tasks right away. Or meet you in private.

Let's talk about what could happen to you if you take red flag dom up on his/her offer to meet up. You maybe have a little sexual flirtation on skype or maybe just on the phone. Maybe it was something just through a chat box, and now you want the real deal. So you agree to meet up. I'm going to use a man as an example here because many times a man is stronger than a woman, but it can work in any genre. So you give this man your address to pick you up. Maybe you only agreed to meet for coffee or dinner. Man comes to pick you up, takes you to his place, what no coffee? Ties you up, keeps you for the weekend, you are at his mercy. No one knows where you are. No one can help you. You are vulnerable to his whims. This has really happened to people.

Another example. Maybe you just want to get to the good stuff and meet up at a hotel. Your desire for dominance is killing you. You are so ready for it, you set it all up. You get there this person is attractive, and is saying all the right things. You are ready to get down to business, so you let them gag you, tie you up, and strip you down. Now they are pulling out all sorts of implements like canes, and paddles. They look fun. Whack, oh man that hurts way too much. Can you say anything? Call a halt? NOPE. This isn't so fun after all. But you are stuck now, at this persons mercy. You are crying, bruised, maybe bleeding from it all. He never stopped.

See a pattern here? This lifestyle is dangerous! There is no swipe right or left app in BDSM. If there is it's a mockery of this lifestyle. Any Dominant that doesn't discuss limits with you before play is playing at a lifestyle role they do not understand. BDSM is about respect. It's founded on trust. Safety is huge! Your safety should always come first.

What kills me is how many people fall for the charms and the excitement of talking to a so called dominant, and just taking them at their word that they are who they say they are. Hmmm..they look nice in their profile picture. Some of these pictures are not even the person you are talking to.

If you are looking for a vanilla relationship you do not take everything that is being said to you over the internet at face value. You are less trustworthy because you don't know this person. Caution is huge in the vanilla dating world especially when you do it online. You are always waiting for the ball to drop or find something you don't like about them. You are judgmental of everyone who contacts you, and guess what, it is okay to be judgmental because you are protecting yourself. It should be no different when looking for a Dominant partner in this lifestyle.

You are responsible for yourself. Hold yourself accountable for your actions. If you are not using your wits and jumping into things head first, don't be blaming your mistakes solely on the wannabe you were talking to. If you mess up, you mess up. Everything you wanted in a vanilla partner is what you should be looking for in a partner in the lifestyle. Titles are just titles. It's the people behind them that bring integrity to them. As submissives we have a choice to be good at it or not. If you wish to be good at it, knowledge is the key.

If someone contacts you, just because you are submissive doesn't mean you do not have rights! You have every right to stand up for yourself. You have every right to say no, to whatever you want. You are NOT a doormat. Use your brain, listen to your gut. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And here's the kicker, submissives have all the power. You get to decide, how and when. Not the other way around. Until you have discussed your limits, set up safewords, and negotiated the terms of your relationship you are in charge. No one gets to Dominate you until you are ready to do it.

If you must go through with meeting someone for the first time, always do it in a public setting. Meet at the mall food court, at a high traffic area. If this person really wants to meet you make them do it on your terms. Have a safe call in place. Tell someone where you are going, who you are going to meet. Call your safe call before the date, during the date and after the date is over. This person is in charge of making sure you are ok. If they don't hear from you something is wrong. You get the idea.

Any Dominant that pushes you to submit right off the bat is not a serious Dominant. Especially knowing that you are very new to the lifestyle and you have no experience or little. A good Dominant will take things slowly with you. They will give you the time you need to get to know them. I'm not talking about kinks, because all of that should be covered later. Not right off the bat.

This is a long rant, but it needed to be said, and repeatedly. This is a situation that is getting out of control. If I can help one person by talking about this, then this writing was worth it. For those of you that are new, don't let the frenzy take hold of you. Take your time. This is something that you shouldn't rush. It doesn't matter how long you have been waiting for a relationship. Be smart about what you are doing. Don't be a push over. Read and educate yourself as much as you can. Read up on warning signs of fake dominants. For sure read up on sub frenzy, make sure you are level headed and not going through it yourself. Know all the dangers of this lifestyle. Know what is the SSC, what is RACK? Once you feel you have learned everything you need to, then you will be ready to find your other half. By arming yourself with knowledge you will be able to tell who is serious about the lifestyle and who is playing at it. Make friends with other submissives and ask questions. Don't know how to find friends, go to a munch. Find a safe forum or group. This is not a game, this is life!


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The photo featured in this article shows the Scandal Over the Door Bondage Cross, which can be found in the Sensuality Unlimited Adult Boutique shop.